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Sunday, February 27

woot i feel like a big slacker! Haven do any concrete work this weekend at all. Lols and tmr's econ test i haven't really study. Sighs then all the while i've been complaining that i don't have enough time to do my homework and tests last week. Damn i feel so guilty now.

Blah 5 more days and its the big day to the annual production Wo Men De Bai Yun Gang. So far things are still okay. Guess i'm so paranoid about it. Out of 5 days, i dreamt of it thrice. Boo and i've been leaving school at 9pm last week. Then i get to see the stars and moon when i walked out.

Tomorrow is the big bang day. Counting back, haha.. well i do have some regrets but its all the past. Frankly, i'm just worried. Lols.

To cass: i'm your ganjiong spider sis. bu yao pa okay? =)

Heli Dont ask me why 10:48 PM

Saturday, February 26

From This Moment - Shania Twain

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment
I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love
I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

Heli Dont ask me why 10:55 AM

Wednesday, February 23

W A R N I N G .

If i've been looking down, not the usual me these days, sometimes perhaps i've say something a little mean or even some harsh words came out of my mouth, kindly do understand i don't mean them at all.

I've been trying hard to suppress it all, trying to hide it all within already. I've been trying really hard to explode, not to reveal.. not to mention. If i look sad, maybe i'm really tired. or maybe i'm really sad.. Don't talk to me about studies. Not to mention my granddad. I can just break down in front of you and leave you dumbfounded.

Boo. So in the end it's still very hard to keep them. It's still very hard to be a nice person.

Heli Dont ask me why 9:48 PM

Like a game.

We never know what we get until we open it. Like a game of minesweeper, i never know where's the bomb unless i know the numbers around it. I never know which is the box that will get me opening up the rest. It's a special game though depending on how we play it.

Of course if i've started this game long ago, i'm sure things would be better.

At least, i think life would be better. If only you get what i mean.

I hope it sings "me".

Heli Dont ask me why 12:21 AM

Monday, February 21

[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
hmmm dunno why
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
i feel so wearied lately for the past weeks
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
like as if i'm like running and running and running.. to nowhere like that
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
sometimes i run i feel i'm so far away from so many of you
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
sometimes i feel as if i'm close to some of you.. so close as though i can hear the breathing
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
other times i feel like i just want to stop running and stare at the dusk in front of me and wonder if the sun will ever set
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
wonder if the stars will ever shine
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
wonder if i can ever rest
[ xiaoxing ] hai can i gif up integration. =/ says:
lols i sound so metaphoric now

i want back my missing peace.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:40 AM

Sunday, February 20

Week 7 of 2005

CCA. Tutorials. Tests. Funeral. Chingay. And there goes my week 7. Life hasn't been life this week. Don't know what the hell i'm rushing for here and there sometimes. Haha.. next week too. next next week too. As busy as ever. Lols. Can't wait for hols to come...

I want to thank some people this week.

To lemon lai and yuting yucks : Lols. Thanks for helping me and worthless weilin to shift the props eh! Each time a simple question like how's things going on le i also feel happy about it. so.. i love u guys!

And yeah. actually i wanna thank my dad too here though i know he's not going to see it. He's really been good and i feel guilty. Been my chauffeur almost every other day. =)

It's going to be another tough two weeks ahead. I don't want to collapse.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:53 AM

Thursday, February 17

"ah gong.. bye bye.."

Life. It goes on no matter what.
He's gone already.
At least now he can get to see my mum.
At least now my mum can get to see him.
I hope he is happy. I hope they are both happy in heaven.
I hope next time when i die, i can still see them.
Because i miss them.

and to you: rmb what you told me. old.. but always young at heart. =)

Heli Dont ask me why 2:37 AM

Sunday, February 13

Numb.

I had nothing on my mind actually. But i think nothing equals a lot. I choose to think of the circle of people around him and not him for it's going to hurt me alone. I've been through it all once, a bigger blow perhaps and so i know the worst is yet to come. When i saw my uncle called my dad today, i knew the battle we fought was over. The miracle we thought would happen would never happen. The hope we once have was lost. Then i turned up at his house and there's this peace. The silence reminding me he's no longer there..

It has been the same. Crying when facts are in front of you. And later on, it would be crying when you find it hard to accept them. It really tears me apart to know you're going to last see someone forever.. When this someone who has been so dear to me since i was a child. The one who dote me the most among the rest.. a someone whom i used to hate his loud voice, and now, he no longer say anything.

As i grew older, i notice disconnected from circles as though i feel the need to walk my life alone. I dont like myself to have such loner thought too, i just closed myself. Some step in to shake me, some just jump on the boat and say, "i'm with you" and smile. Maybe nobody would give a damn one day, then i will walk alone.

I'm asking kindly that.. maybe it's good to keep the "be strong" first. Each time somebody tells me that, i just smile and... it's not easy really. Having gone thru so many things, people could say is i've become stronger, but.. really?

Then give me a choice, i rather not be one.
I came to see if you're... alone. And then i realise, not you. me.

Heli Dont ask me why 3:40 AM

Thursday, February 10

Heh so embarassing today. Actually fell asleep on the sofa today at one my relative house. But at least didnt drool and my mouth wasnt open (hope so) i guess.. haha.. Too tired le cannot tahan. ut siao one la me, woke up so early today. Lols. Well i guess that's roughly all about my bai nianing of relatives. hehe..

This year a few of my relatives told me that "ni zhang da le." which i kind of smile at it. I used to be a little gerl who looks forward to chinese new year becos that's a time to buy new clothes, a time to collect money! But well, haha i got to sing a hokkien song last time to get one angbao from my eldest aunt. And last time when my ye ye around, we get e chance to choose angbao de! hehe.. den the biggest would be $50! I rmb i got it once i burst out luffing non stop. haha..

Now as i grow older, cny is more than all these. Is bout getting together once a year. Haha.. is about teasing each other who's turn to give angbao le and etc. Though i din talk much this year, but i'm sure it will improve as it goes on.

And here's wishing all, a happy new year with lotsa ongoing excitement and twists! Loads of happiness overwhelming everyone and blessings shower for all of you. =D

Heli Dont ask me why 11:18 PM

Saturday, February 5

i feel as if i haven't blog for a long time. but i just realised it was only yesterday i just drop some stuffs here. bleah my blog entries getting more boring. nah don't know how to make it more interesting.

ok i shall try to entertain about my day. heh.

Well went to tanglin police station this morning. Lols. NO I DIDN'T BREAK ANY LAW. hehe.. went there to attend a briefing! I'm going to be one of the members under Quick Response Force that day. haha.. sound so cool rite. Aiya just security and horrr i'm going to wear pink and you know those primary school wear road crossing monitor that kind of green vest? lols. yah so on Chingay if you see me please say "HI"!

Hah den went off to lunch with my cadets. Den met up with caihui mic and mata. haha mata bought a black skirt and pink tee! haha all thanks to the 3 of us! (*mata: u beta wear horr dun back out last minute waste our time waste your money!) Then walk and walk and walk. Then end up at centrepoint then i saw my aunt and uncle and he zhong he qiang he sheng! hehe. all same "he" as me. =P

Ok here's the sad part but anihow i still wan to say it out so skip it if you know it's going to dampen you. [>.<]

Hmm so ya after that left my friends den went to my grandpa's house. He really aged a lot, slimmed down a lot, and toned down a lot a lot.. I remember he used to speak out loud and really loud and i get annoyed sometimes. But now you want me to see the other soft side of him, it really hurts so.. Heard my uncle said he experience some sort of hallucination or illusion. He said ah gong saw my mama always like going to bring him down or whatever. I was scared to hear all these. Scared he really will go without warning. Scared he will be gone.

Each time i go their house, i feel really like home. Not in my home in sengkang, but i feel really with family members. You can feel the warmth the closeness, not like in my house, empty and cold. I just wonder how my grandma will feel, wonder how she's going to take it when my ah gong is gone. Sometimes she's like half a mother to me, not just ordinary grandma, i called her "mama". Maybe i realy do get emotional not just at times, but all the time. When i said goodbye to her just now, i just really feel like crying. Actually i'm not sad not down or smth now. Just worried that anytime it may happen, anytime he may go. =/

Okay that's all. Haha.

"What doesnt kill you only make you stronger." - W. T.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:26 PM

Friday, February 4

boo. bloo. blahhh choo.

keep choo-ing just now while doing tutorials. oh man i tell you integration is going to drive me bonkers. simi t formula simi wad finally understand. but still lots of blanks la. can't imagine tutorial 5 is like wad.

sian after cny that week i'm going to be flooded with tests. like there's so much to study. bah. i just want to enjoy my cny. just want to take a break.

moody moody now. ben lai hai ok, now worst. all ur fault. bleah.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:27 AM

Tuesday, February 1